perspective

Owens sudden weaning has compounded so many feelings, I just feel such a total lack of control over my life right now. I wanted to feed him until he was 2.5 -3 years old, he is my LAST baby, he is that baby that MOST needs my milk but he is the baby that has decided he is OVER it - long before I was ready.

Yesterday was the first day I haven't expressed milk, it made me feel so guilty, and angry, I know I could keep pumping to give him the nutritional benefits of milk but I would have to increase the number of times I express to 3 or 4 times a day I have been pumping just twice a day and I have watched my supply dwindle over the past few weeks. It all seems like such a hassle to me at this time. And for me nursing has been about so much more than nutrition.

My breastfeeding relationship with Owen has held me together all these months. When he was first born it wasn't easy and he had a nasogastric tube inserted he needed some practice and he was only 34 weeks old so he tired easily, but after a few days he really had the hang of it and I had lots of milk because I was still feeding Cyrus as well. Nursing bonded Owen and I together after his birth and the shock of the DS diagnosis, because even inside the storm of grief I was able find a peaceful, deep love and acceptance when I held him and nursed him - he was MY son. My milk helped him to recover from his bad Jaundice, it was the only thing I wanted to do after his heart surgery - to nurse him to hold him safely in my arms again and give him the warm, nourishing milk and emotional comfort he needed, and when he got rotovirus and RSV at the same time and pediatrician told me he didn' t need fluid replacement because he was breastfed that was the best feeling, and when he put on kilograms of weight after his heart surgery -pure gorgeous baby fat I felt so proud of our breastfeeding relationship, and through all the other sicknesses he has had, and the asthma, and most recently the ear tube surgery always -breastfeeding was there. It has been a very significant part of our relationship.

Anyway I have started seeing a counsellor because I know I needed to talk to someone. Recently I have felt too much like floatsam and jetsam on the river of life swept along with no rudder, no control. Owen weaning has brought to the surface feelings of anger and guilt and frustration which I know are not just about weaning but are also connected to Down Syndrome and the huge expectations I have put on myself to learn and do all that I can for him (and in the almost total absence of EI support) - believe me that is some heavy load.