JINXED

Today when i arrived at preschool Cy met me with "mum I had a miserable day". He had cried, he tried hiding at circle time, he felt sad. The teachers who are lovely managed His feelings and he was playing happily when I got there. This is the last session of the week he won't go back till next Tuesday, thankfully.

I knew it was risky taking him this morning he was awake during the night, nothing was wrong, he didn't call out for us, he just lay awake making train noises, weeshing and whooshing for a couple of HOURS, Col got up to him to tuck him in and get him back to sleep and asked why was he awake (it was 3 in the morning) Cy told him "my head is full of trains!" and he asked if Cols head was full of tractors (Col likes vintage tractors), Col couldn't help but smile.

So Cy slept in this morning till 8.15 but I got him to eat his cereal, get washed and dressed and to preschool by 9 am. He was fine said goodbye to me and was a bit anxious but only as much as he had been the past 2 days. But it all started to get messy at circle time, he didn't want to participate and tried to hide, the teacher ended up sitting him on her lap, and after circle time sad feelings came and he cried.

I am beating myself up about even taking him today, next time I will keep him home if he is up in the night. I should know better because unfortunately being awake and having a head full of trains at night is a way too regular occurrence for Cy. He can go a week or so without waking and then out of nowhere we will have a bad run and he will be awake for hours each night. But it's the days that are by far the worst. When he finally wakes after sleeping in, he is always fractious, demanding and tense, not his best days and not my best either, my patience quickly runs out.

I am so tired of worrying about Cy, even before he was born I worried, he hardly moved in the womb and was lying sideways (transverse) from the time he was about 24 weeks and I went into labour with him in that position and needed a csection to cut him out. He was difficult to feed, he didn't smile till he was 8 weeks old (my oldest boy was giggling at 8 weeks old!), he was all twisted up from his strange position in the womb, he didn't walk till he was 19.5 months, he didn't put two words together until he was 33 months, he needed glasses by his 3 rd birthday, he's had constant fluid in his ears, he has these weird eczema hot spots from the time we introduced solids.( we finally worked out it was oats causing it after 8 months of an elimination diet and allergy testing).

He has had physio since he was 8 weeks old, he has had speech therapy on and off since he was 2, he's had his adenoids out and ear tubes in, he wears glasses (he has just been diagnosed as also having astigmatism), he has some kind of weird foot thing and has to wear night splints and orthotics, we finally worked out it was oats causing the hotspots after 8 months on an Elimination diet and allergy testing, he still has dietary issues and he still can't button buttons or do more than a line or a scribble with a crayon.

So in short this kid has issues....But no diagnosis...yet

The latest speech assessment said he was all caught up to his peers in speech however it highlighted a problem with pragmatics, I am not really even sure what the hell pragmatics are but in a nut shell the ST sayes this indicates he has autism or at the least Aspergers (which is on the spectrum anyway) it is just a different way of saying you have high-functioning autism.

Last week, before preschool started, I booked him in for a session with a psychologist (on the recommendation of our pediatrician) for his anxiety related to preschool based on last year. But at the session the psych told me she would tell me "what to do" but that I had to "do the work" and I thought fair dinkum lady I have enough to do, enough on my plate remember, how about you work with Cy! She also hinted at an autism diagnosis ......blahhhh

anyway I have found out about a psych unit at the university here that run therapy sessions and clinics for children with anxiety and .......drumroll...please, autism, the therapists there work one on one with the children using role play and the parents observe. We have put our name on the (short) waiting list

So I had this autism idea in my head and lots of anxiety about how he would go at preschool especially after a complete bomb when I tried to start him there in September last year.

Then today happened, which in hindsight is not such a huge deal but I am having a meltdown.There is always more to do, more gaps to fill, more questions to answer and more anxiety. All of this ( the longest and probably most self indulgent post I have ever written) to say I am so over it! Blarrrrrghhhhhhhhhhh