The letting go

When I think about Cys seperation anxiety at preschool I have this vision, a mental picture - I see myself with baby Owen in my arms, he is very sick.....and needs an operation to mend his heart. I am looking down at Owen - all my attention is on him. And my other baby - Cy (he was 16 months when Owen was born), is holding onto my legs, holding on to ME tight. This picture has been with me since Cy started preschool, I didn't know why it appeared or what it meant.

Well I talked to a few people about it, some thought the vision was about my guilt, but I don't feel guilty at all, I feel quite detached from the picture.....it just is. In reality I did meet the needs of both of my little boys - I tandem fed both boys for nearly 4 months (weaning Cy at 20 months), yes my mind was full of worry, sadness and grieving after Owens birth but I used to relish being with Cy his cheeky, loveliness, kept me in the present moment kept me living, moving, breathing.

I got a bit lead astray with the suggestion it was about my guilt, I thought about that for a few weeks but decided in the end that really, truly it wasn't about guilt. Its all about Cy about how he feels - like he can't let go. Of course baby Owen got his operation and after about a year of sickness was finally well, and little boy Cy grew up too and now it is time for Preschool and Cy doesn't know how to let go of me, its a complete crisis for him. He has a great time once he settles but can take 2 + hours! But he really does like preschool, he tells me its only because I leave that he cries. He doesn't know how to let go, after all that's how how it was for him for nearly half his life !

It has taken me 8 weeks to work it out - how to transform this picture........to give it power. It happened last week when Cy and I were drawing with pavement chalk out at the front step, I drew a mother with a baby in her arms and I began to tell Cy a story about the mother who had a very sick baby and also a little boy. I drew the boy holding on tight to his mums legs. Of course eventually the little baby has an operation and isn't sick anymore but the boy is stuck fast to his mum legs and can't let go, he is afraid.

I asked Cy to tell the little boy to let go of his mums legs for just a little while and then come to his mummy's arms since she can now hold both of her children, now that the baby isn't sick anymore.

Cy totally 'got' it. And at the end of the story, gave me a great big bear hug and told me "at the end of Preschool you can cuddle me in your arms again" I hadn't even mentioned preschool !!!

I would love to say that, telling the story completely transformed the saying goodbye at Preschool this week, it didn't. He cried as soon as we got to the gate but unlike the other times it seemed he was much more aware of other stuff, he was crying as I put his inside shoes on but he would stop to ask me - who's name is that (on the lockers), then boo hoo again and "who's shoes are they" and more boo hooing, its like the sadness at breaking up it wasn't consuming him completely this week, almost feeling he could let go..?

We have only one week of school left (Cy only goes 2 days) before Easter holidays, 2 weeks off, just as we are on the cusp of a breakthrough, its a bit frustrating. So over the holidays I plan lots of playdates with preschool buddies for him and the retelling of the story ad nauseum.

And a little reminder of how lovely and sweet Cy was at the time Owen was born.