coming out of the woods

In keeping this journey real I wanted to tell you that I have needed some help to get to acceptance. I have had about 6 sessions with a counsellor now and it has really helped. Before the counselling I was really suffering a lot of anger and sadness, I felt like I was emotionally running close to bankrupt and I was saying horrible things in my head to myself (I felt doomed)and to Owen (things like "whats the point" - things mothers shouldn't think about their children). I wasn't thinking these things all the time it was usually when I hung out the clothes or had a shower - in those alone times. And one day in my frustration over something I can't even recall now - I called Owen the R-word (in my head) okay that is really shocking and hard to write about! But it snapped me back to reality I burst into tears and I rang and made my first appointment.

The counselling has been fantastic I got to blurt out all my fears and worries unedited (that was the most important bit), I just laid it all out there raw, ugly and unedited, and I cried and cried and cried, because under the anger and frustration I was actually very sad. I was so emotionally exhausted because I had been acting like everything was okay to everyone and that took alot of energy, I wasn't being honest -because I really wanted everything to be good and it seems no-one wants to know when things suck. So over the past few months I have been really trying to be honest when I am having a hard day - I cried recently when a friend at playgroup brought in her new baby, I just let it all out because her baby was surrounded by love and joy from everyone at playgroup and I felt that Owen and I didn't have that, ours was uncertainty and fear and sympathy. So I quietly cried and I explained what I was feeling to the mother of the new baby and she was so understanding and kind and supportive, and then that moment was over and we got on with playgroup. If that situation had happened in the past I would have bottled up my emotions until I got to the car and then burst into tears and I could have been sad for a whole week. This situation made me realise that if I am honest with myself and others I can move toward acceptance with support.

So a funny thing has happened since I have taken on a more honest approach - things really are good, I don't have to pretend, my alone times are filled with "in the moment" thoughts, not fear about our future, Owen is being delightful and things are kinda easy for the first time in a long time. Its still hectic and busy in this house but I don't feel emotionally bankrupt I have energy and I fall into bed at night tired but relaxed, not anxious about what tomorrow brings. I will continue to have counselling every 6 weeks or so - just to keep the momentum cause I know that I am not out of the woods just yet.

Kelle Hampton posted this on her webpage recently and I am reminded of it in writing this post today.

This is an ancient Native American story about an old Cherokee who told his grandson about the battle that goes on within us.

"My son" he told him, "Inside everyone of us dwells two wolves, one evil, one good. The evil one is angry and jealous, full of regret and arrogance, greed and sorrow, guilt and self pity.
The other is good. He is kind and loving, full of hope and peace, joy and compassion". The young boy thought about it for a moment. "Which wolf wins?" he asked his grandfather.
The old Cherokee smiled and simply replied "the one you feed"

Feed your good wolf....